Glass half empty?

this is vertical!

Bristol Suspension bridge 

I've always been an optimist, mostly I guess because life has almost always turned out well! This week, though, I have struggled to see a good side to my 'embuggerance' (as Terry Pratchet called his terrible dementia). One does tend to be entirely self-centered, forgetting all the other people with all sorts of cancers and dreadful diseases, often younger with more if their lives (supposedly) in front of them. Not easy, though... Hard to avoid the 'why me?' We're used to maybe being ill and expecting to be cured, so coming to terms with the brutal fact that one is not going to get better is quite daunting.

 We are seeing Dr Tillett for a final time on Monday to talk through a few things but I doubt I'll opt for more chemo as I fear things are developing too fast. And it does focus the mind when doctors talk about 'not spoiling the quality of time you have left'.

The children have been wonderful. Phil rushed over last week and then returned with Barney and Martha this week. We've has a great few days: we visited Shelagh in Bristol on Tuesday for lunch and a close inspection of the Camera Obscura and the Suspension Bridge, which has an excellent new Visitors Centre; Thursday we spent in the New Forest which offers so much in the way of tree climbing and walking, birds, ponies and deer, the Rufus stone and a good river for Pooh sticks after a drink in a pub by the river and a fish and chips supper; today we had a long and satisfying session at a local adventure playground, including the Death Slide (well, that was the children obviously while ancient grandparents watched and marvelled!)

And she has enjoyed herself sorting out my store cupboards and discovering all the out of date items! They seem very empty now!

She's coming back next week so we can have a Spa day, sampling the magnificent new Bath Spa: what's good enough for the Romans...

Chrissie came down for a night, cooked dinner and helped me sort out and dispose of dvds. This last week he has been on Greenpeace boat training round the Isle of Wight, having quite a lot of fun and worrying the Coastguard.

Simon and Ruth came at the weekend (the weather was vile so the jobs were inside ones) And we were able to get up to date wedding plan details. I am determined to be around for this wedding! October 26th!

Both Chiff and Si are cycling this weekend, Chiff doing a 100 km (?miles) round London, starting and finishing, I think, in front of Buckingham Palace and raising lots of money for Cancer Research and Si cycling to Edinburgh and back over 4 days, an ambitious affair with mattresses in halls for power naps and energy giving stews prepared by volunteers. Such energy, much to be admired but not emulated by the rest of us!

Not what we hoped for!

This will be a brief and rather bleak post, I'm sorry to say. The oncologist told us the chemo has not worked: the liver tumour has continued to grow and the cancer has spread to my spleen. There is a different kind of secondary chemo with some unpleasant side effects and maybe a 5% chance of effect. We shall think about and in the meantime see if I feel better without chemo.

Now it is over to my local doctor and Dorothy House, the hospice.

I wanted to apologise to everyone whose emails I have been lamentably slow to answer. Please do not think we are not grateful for offers of help! So far we have been fine. But who knows what the future holds when we may need all the help we can get. It is lovely to feel wrapped in love and concern. I'm just sorry the news is not more cheerful.

Sunday evening!

Feels like a long week since the scan on Monday! Pefectly fine experience if you don't mind drinking a litre of luke warm water in the half hour before having dye pumped ibto your system. Only one more day until I see Dr Tillett with results...

I've been a bit up and down this week with some discomfort and not much energy. The chimney sweep came on Wednesday, and afterwards Geoff was introduced to the delights of spring cleaning the sitting room, with him doing the heavy work and me directing and waving a duster.

 We had some old NZ friends to visit on Thursday, which was lovely. They looked after us so well when we spent 3 months there in 2008; it was a joy to see them here. Sadly, very unusually for a food devotee, I had to bail on dinner at the Kings Arms as I felt nauseous. I think it was triggered by someone there wearing a strong scent! Such a waste! Still we had a great time catching up

This weekend has been very quiet unlike the last one which was full of activity. Phil visited on Thursday overnight. So good to have her company especially with the busy end of term schedule of tap exam, school play, discos, parents' evening, visit to Barney's new school etc. Saturday, Geoff and I had a Wiltshire Historic Churches visit to Salisbury Cathedral, in particular to the library where we had a guided tour. Until recently NO-ONE was allowed in so Geoff has been itching for years to get in, ever since he asked and was denied entry!

While we were in Salisbury, Simon was cycling down from London for the weekend. He is so good and energetic, helping sort out my washing line and painting the front gate. And of course, we were able to find out more about the wedding plans.
Saturday night I was fine and enjoyed my meal at the Kings Arms.

 Sunday morning Chrissie and Beth arrived for the day. He and Geoff set to work to mend two of our water butts, which seem to have a very fragile hold on their job of water retention, regularly springing holes. The rabbits and slugs have devoured many of poor Geoff's veggies, but we have a very good crop of blackcurrants, gooseberries and rhubarb, which C& B set to work to harvest (prickly and/ or fiddly work!)  It's much nicer to catch up on news in person. They all seem very well and happy.

Half way?

Cycle 3 completed without problem yesterday. All bloods good though I am low on iron and am now armed with appropriate ferrous tablets. For the 2 days after chemo I take 2 lots of anti-nausea pills so I have to be extra organised, carrying round my 'pharmucopia'!

I didn't have such a good week last week, with tender liver area. Had little energy and less enthusiasm for doing anything. Slept a lot! TG for summer and the chance to get fresh air and some colour while sleeping in the garden.

 I did enjoy hosting our monthly bookclub meeting on Tuesday evening, when we had some good discussion of my book choice, Patrick Gale's Notes from an Exhibition, while nibbling some real Dutch cheese. This is a long running group (15+ years), most of us original members so we are very comfortable together. We take it in turns to choose the book of the month so we have a wonderfully varied selection, mostly novels but some poetry and biography, mostly not too 'highbrow' but occasionally we like to challenge ourselves. And they are very kind and supportive, so I know if I need any help or support we can call on them.

So I am going to take advantage of my three days after chemo when I feel quite (!) lively! Maybe I'll even do a little active gardening?